When I took the job of Managing Editor, I knew I would be working for some results-oriented ownership. When ‘comments’ hits the cellar around where the Washington Senators used to end up in the old days, and bat days aren’t working because Devastin’ Dave isn’t in the lineup enough, its a tough situation. Yeah, I’ve tried all the old tricks: having Jeff work on his spitter, asking Whitney to play more to right, and cajoling Eric to cheat more at third with a runner on. But its’ not working.

So I have to go out into the unsigned free agent arena and come up with three new starters. I’m trying them out today. Let’s see what you the fans say.

The Case for Tutorials
Fitzhugh “Monty” Fralinger ’94 – direct leg and English Major
I can’t imagine having to sit in a class with more than three people. Not merely is it socially degrading, but it is probably unhealthy as well, what with the type of student now being admitted. I mean my God, I had to have shots my senior year.

So why can’t the school just go all-tutorial. It is certainly not like they can’t afford it! I want to absorb the wisdom of a certified expert as he guides me to decisions I will almost certainly regret in later life.

What do you ‘mean too many Asians’.
Waseem Akram, unaffiliated, 628 not out

It is my experience that the elite northeast colleges field absolutely terribe XIs. Better recruiting, stronger financial support, and a decent lunch at break with sarmys and Pimms will help as well. Get with it before some other school pitches you a googley!

Sororities would be soooo cool!
Priscilla “Figgy” Newton, entering freshman from San Diego

Just because those dumb boys got it wrong in the Olde Days is no reason why smart, surf-oriented, socially aware women shouldn’t be allowed to have smaller groups that we choose ourselves, have smoothies with together, and get to rate those boys in private with our own lists and all. NO NERDS!. C’mon, administration, Greek boys may have been ug-al-ly, but I guarantee you, Delta girls can be something else!!!

Well, there you have ’em. The best I could find and sign. Boy, I hope the comments are crowded from the first base line to the bleachers. I sure dread that trip to the front office!

Print  •  Email